As many of us do, I have a stressful job. My job consumes much of my time, much of my thoughts, and a lot of my heart. A year ago April, I was burned out, emotionally fatigue on the verge of emotional death. I attended many sessions about compassion fatigue at many seminars that I attended. Last April, one of the speakers did not just talk about how to fix compassion fatigue. She did not speak on what compassion fatigue was. What she really talked about, what compassion fatigue did. While the emotional exhaustion was affecting me at work, I was concerned the effect it was having on my life and my family.

I knew I had compassion fatigue, for there was no doubt. Why did this speaker touch me? I think because as I heard her speak, I felt that it could have been me giving the same story at that front of the room. In that moment, I didn’t want to be that speaker. I don’t want to be that woman. So, I decided to do something that felt incredibly selfish and I was going to take care of me. Professionally, I take care of other people. That is what I do and I am really good at it. Unfortunately, when I got home, I wasn’t able to take care of my family. I didn’t have any serious health conditions, but if I continued my lifestyle of self-neglect, within five years I am sure I would.

The new me, a three step approach: Say no, exercise, and Bible Study. I like to help people, it is why I chose the profession that I chose. Saying no is not easy for me, but I’ve been practicing that for two years and I’m getting a lot better. I slip now and then, but I need to remember that I am choosing what is important. Because I can do “everything” doesn’t mean I should, so I don’t. Exercise, difficult for me because years of self-neglect had left me in poor physical shape. I will never be thin. I haven’t been thin since I was five years old. I look at my family, and I realize that genetically, I was not made to be thin. But despite my extra curves, I can still be healthy. So I started going to the gym on a regular basis. The transformation that occurred there can be its own post, but regular exercise is a must for a healthy mental state for me. Bible Study. Really, that is all that needs stated. However, I need to expand. I do not cognitively remember not believing in God. About five years ago I was faced with the question “Do you believe God?” I don’t think I did. So through this Bible Study I have gotten to know who God is. I am passionate about this God of love. When you learn who God is and what He does and continues to do, I am shocked people don’t want to experience this. Though like most people, until I took the time to study the Bible, study in community with others about the Bible, and through the guidance of an excellent teacher, I have finally learned WHO God is. I used to think the Old Testament was irrelevant since I believed in Jesus. The Old Testament was just history to me. While studying the New Testament, we had to look back at the Old Testament. In these years of Bible Study, what have I learned? God always was and always will be. Over 2000 years later, people have not changed an God has not changed. We have the same struggles today that the people of the church experienced 2000 years ago. God is still with us and He guides us.

I am a control freak with OCD. I cannot begin to say how difficult this makes life when trying to be a follower of Jesus. Those precious moments that I am able to put myself aside and let go of perfection, I get to experience peace, real peace. It is a state of being that is addictive. It is an experience that I wish for all of humanity. I think our world today would be a very different world if everyone had a taste of this peace. I am not an adrenaline junky, I haven’t been drunk, and I haven’t tried drugs. But I imagine the state of peace would be so addictive that no one would consider those self-destructive escapes from reality.

Last year was not an easy year for me. As a matter of fact it is the most difficult year I have experienced in my life. The what doesn’t matter. I will say I experienced a fear like I’ve never experienced. I experienced hurt like I didn’t think was possible. I experienced anger that threatened to consume. This was not one episode. Nope, this was an entire year. So how does a person near emotional death experiencing significant emotional trauma get out of bed in the morning? God!

God is the reason I am alive today to tell this story. However, if I had not started the work through regular exercise, saying “No!”, and learning who God was, I would not be here as a living testimony. Am I 100%? Nope. Is that okay? Yep. I take each day at a time and I thank God for each one. My boys are my priority and I’ve decided my actions need to reflect my priorities. If my actions don’t reflect my priorities, then my statements mean nothing. I still exercise, though I am not able to get to the gym as frequently as I like. I have set a goal for myself of 10,000 steps a day. If I have to walk circles around my table to accomplish this goal, so be it. Do I still see taking care of myself as selfish. Nope. I have to take care of my temple before I can take care of others. So mind, body, and spirt is my first job. Loving my family and taking care of my patients come after I have taken care of me. I haven’t asked my family, or my patients if I am doing a better job of taking care of them. I do know my perception has changed, and that has changed everything.

So while living life and recording memories is the goal of my life, I would not have a happy life to share without taking care of me. My ultimate goal, when people look at me that see Jesus. I don’t want to do what Jesus did. I want to do what Danyel does while being the hands and feet of Jesus on Earth.